I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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