My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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