Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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