He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
