Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
