She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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