Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
