She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Everclear isn't food dammit
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
