Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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