I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
