No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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