running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
