Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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