Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Pooping to opera.
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