he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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