Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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