Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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