that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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