Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
