i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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