I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
