i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
