You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
