Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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