You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
