I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
