How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
