life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
