saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
