she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
