does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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