my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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