So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
