If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
