Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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