they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
