Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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