So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
