and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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