I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm like, not good at living.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
