There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
