I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
