i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
