I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
