"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
