The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize