His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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