I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize
