No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
