I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I came so hard my ears popped.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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