um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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