My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
