hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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