Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
