It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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