rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
