The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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