We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
