All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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