me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
