I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
