Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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